We all need a little personal development mixed in with our professional and career development. Read blogs in this category for stories and best practices for personal wellness and wellbeing, skills improvement, and more.
As we just celebrated Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, I found myself thinking of what made him a good leader. He led with his values always in the forefront of his actions, his values drove everything he did. He was a servant leader, who believed in developing and empowering others, and he was a transformational leader, who had a big vision, shared that vision and challenged others to see the potential of that vision, and fought hard for change.
He was a successful leader because he built trust and followed through with action. Brené Brown says that “trust isn’t built in grand gestures, but in the small moments that people treat what is important to you with care.” She breaks trust down into seven (7) elements (BRAVING trust):
Boundaries: Good leaders have boundaries. They set expectations, explain why those expectations are important, and they hold steady to them.
Reliability: As a leader, don’t overpromise, don’t say you will do something that you can’t do or have no intention of doing, and if you say you will do something, make sure you do it. And remember that it’s ok to say no, saying no opens you up to being able to say yes to something else. And explain the reason behind your “no”.
Accountability: We all mess up sometimes. Good leaders show vulnerability, they aren’t afraid to admit when they messed up, ask forgiveness, and figure out how to make it right. They also have to have forgiveness to allow others to do the same.
Vault: Good leaders understand that others’ come to them in confidence, and they keep that confidence.
Integrity: Good leaders lead with courage, letting their values guide them in their decisions. They do the next right thing.
Nonjudgement: Good leaders don’t pass judgement. They listen to the needs of others and their own needs and can talk through those needs without letting their own biases or perceptions take over.
Generosity: Good leaders give others the benefit of the doubt, that their actions and intentions were well intended.
Brown’s elements of trust tie in well to psychological safety, what Amy Edmondson defines as “the belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes, and the team is safe for interpersonal risk taking.” Research shows that in order for teams to be successful, they must have psychological safety.
According to Brown, leaders have to be vulnerable. Vulnerability opens us up to opportunity. We have to be able and willing to explore the emotions behind our actions or lack of action. Another way to look at this is, as leaders we have to be emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand our own emotions and how those emotions impact our actions, and how those emotions impact our ability to build relationships (both positively and negatively), and how our ability to read the emotions of others also impact our social connections. Research shows that leaders with high emotional intelligence are much more successful in leading others.
In Dare to Lead, Brown talks about learning to rise up as leaders. She breaks it down into three steps; the Reckoning, the Rumble, and the Revolution. The reckoning is understanding that there are emotions involved and exploring those emotions. This is also the first piece of emotional intelligence, understanding that you have emotions and exploring those emotions. It’s understanding that no emotion is right or wrong and that there shouldn’t be any guilt for those emotions. It’s just sitting with those emotions and feeling them. The second step is the Rumble. This is where you start to unpack the why behind the emotions and look for the missing information that may be creating those emotions. As Brown says, in the absence of data we all make up stories to fill in the gaps. In the Rumble, we start to question where those gaps are and what information we need. We start to deconstruct our self-made story. Brown defines her final step, Revolution, as “claiming authorship of our own stories and lives…It’s taking off the armor and rumbling with vulnerability, living into our values, braving trust with open hearts and learning to rise!”
One reason we roll our eyes when people start talking about values is that everyone talks a big values game but very few people actually practice one. It can be infuriating, and it’s not just individuals who fall short of the talk. In our experience, only about 10 percent of organizations have operationalized their values into teachable and observable behaviors that are used to train their employees and hold people accountable.
Ten percent.
If you’re not going to take the time to translate values from ideals to behaviors—if you’re not going to teach people the skills they need to show up in a way that’s aligned with those values and then create a culture in which you hold one another accountable for staying aligned with the values—it’s better not to profess any values at all. They become a joke. A cat poster. Total BS.
So how do we convert “professing” into behaving? Here are four ways:
Set Expectations Based on Values: Design your employee development and evaluation tools around your values and specify observable behaviors that are needed in order to meet and/or exceed expectations. If you are having trouble getting behaviors down or understanding how to put a behavior into language, Brown’s reference list of behaviors may help you.
For example, one of our clients values is “Service” and one sub-component of that value where they have to rate a person’s performance in the evaluation is: “The employee acts with empathy, kindness, patience, and honesty in all interactions and shows respect for those that he or she works with, including, but not limited to, co-workers, clients, vendors, and community representatives.”
Then, the person performing the evaluation has to input behavioral based information to support that rating such as, “Jane Doe exhibits our service value when she answers the phone at the front desk. She answers the phone with a positive greeting and tone of ‘Good morning, this is Jane Doe. Thank you for calling today! How may I direct your call or assist you this morning.’ She does this consistently regardless of mood or type of call or time of day. She is also friendly and welcoming at the front desk when all employees come in as well, greeting each person when they enter and exit with personalized exchanges.”
Give Feedback in Values Based Language: Whether you are giving feedback in formal evaluation or in an ongoing developmental way, good and bad behavior should always be framed by putting your values into language.
To continue with our example above, you’re Jane Doe’s supervisor and you hear one of these positive phone interactions. You could immediately respond with, “Jane, I appreciate you being empathetic, kind and patient with the person you just spoke to on the phone. I could tell it was a difficult call, but you never lost patience or made the caller feel inferior. Thank you. You are demonstrating our value of Service and I appreciate it.”
Decide Based on Values: Values really begin to become operationalized when you use them as the basis of all decision making, big or small.
Continuing with our example, let’s say you are deciding if you should even have a person answer the phone or automate it either because of budget constraints or because it just doesn’t seem like the modern thing to do because no one else is doing it anymore.
Based on your value of service, you may ask yourself and others: Does making this cut diminish our ability to show service? Does having a live person answering the phone differentiate us in the marketplace? Does and/or could it bring us a competitive advantage? If we get rid of it, what positive or negative outcomes could come of it based on all our values?
Ask Based on Values: As a leader, using values to help people make decisions and guide their development is a great way to do all three of these things. When someone comes to you with a problem or a decision to make, ask them, “How do you see this decision in light of our organizational values? What do our values lead you to think is the next right thing?” Help them learn to think in terms of values which will help them act on them.
From our Team to yours, we hope that you are enjoying the Holidays with your loved ones near and far. If you’ve had a little too much excitement, step back and do some light reading. We hope that you gain some space and perspective from The Point Blog’s most viewed posts of 2023.
Ahhh, the Holidays. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, or is it? It can also be a pretty stressful time of the year with work, end of the year class celebrations, Church Christmas plays, basketball practice, moving the elf, wrapping gifts, extra cooking, Christmas parties, new family dynamics ad infinitum. With all the hustle and bustle, it never seems like there is quite enough time or space to pack it all in. Our 2023 Theme: An Abundance of Space feels out of reach some days depending on my perspective.
Enter the flu… God knows exactly what you need when you need it, although I am not always ready and willing to accept the circumstance. My bouncy little boy was down for the count last week, and it gave me some “space” to slow down and really settle into my body. All the Holiday stress that I had been shoving down was able to rise to the surface and instead of distracting myself with busyness, I had to actually feel what I had been numbing with all the activities.
It turns out that when I slow down, there is more room for creative energy and thoughts to flow. I got married in October, and we want to start new traditions for our family. Being trapped (did I say trapped?) in the house for a week gave me the abundance of space that I needed to think about what some of those traditions might become. We have decided that this year we are going to have a Birthday party for Jesus on Christmas Eve instead of opening any gifts and really lean into our reason for the season.
I am also learning to take up space and say no to things that don’t support my values. When I say yes to something, I am saying no to something else. Being the people pleaser that I am, this is easier said than done, but nonetheless I am practicing and there is growth occurring. Since joining the Horizon Point Team, the ladies have helped me to learn that it is essential for your well-being to create room for the people and things that matter the most.
On November 15th of this year, Mary Ila was asked to speak on Character and fostering workplace ethics at the BBB Torch Awards. Her topic was inspired by our Horizon Point book of the year named Hidden Potential by Adam Grant. Mary Ila wasn’t able to attend, but Jillian showed up and presented in her place. We hope that you enjoy this special treat from this year’s event.
Thank you for the opportunity to be here today. The BBB team across North Alabama does a tremendous job in fostering workplace ethics and we are happy to be a part of the organization as members, as Taylor, one of team members serves on the board, and for the chance to spend a few minutes talking with you today.
Robin asked me to speak to the first criteria of the Torch Award application- Character.
The question in the application states: “As CEO, President, Owner or Executive Director your leadership character sets the tone for your entire organization. As a leader, explain how you behave intentionally and communicate with your leadership team, employees, customers and stakeholders in a way that is consistent with your beliefs.”
When we at Horizon Point have applied for the Torch Award before, I haven’t felt qualified to answer this question on my behalf, my team has answered it. And today is no different. In my quest to try to leave you here feeling energized about character, I asked them all what they thought.
And each one of them were spot on in living into one of our values- continuous learning and improvement- to breathe into our individual and collective learning about character. I’d like to use that learning to challenge your assumptions. And that is that character is not a static trait; it is a process that must be practiced.
In Adam Grant’s new book Hidden Potential, he describes what makes up culture. He says, “In organizational psychology, culture has three elements: practices, values, and underlying assumptions. Practices are the daily routines (I would call them behaviors) that reflect and reinforce our values. Values are shared principles around what’s important and desirable- what should be rewarded versus what should be punished. Underlying assumptions are deeply held, often taken-for-granted beliefs about how the world works. Our assumptions shape our values which in turn drive our practices.”
When we talk about the most desirable leadership traits we often cover practices and values, but we often neglect to understand or even see our assumptions and assumptions are the base of the pyramid. The base impacts our thinking, feelings, and behavior at all other levels.
And at the base of our pyramid on character, two assumptions largely define, at least in America, how we frame the character:
One: Character is innate. It is a fixed characteristic. You are born with it or you aren’t. Putting this another way, character is a will issue not a skill issue. We talk about skill and will alot in the work we do and often say, hire for will (because it is static, innate, not changing) and train for skill (because it can be learned and people can acquire and grow in skills), but what if character is a skill? What if it is malleable and we can learn and grow at it? This is a key premise of Grant’s book that he backs up with a lot of research.
Two: We assume and behave like character is binary. You are either right or wrong. If you are acting with character, you can put a label of “right” to it. If you are acting contrary to character you are “wrong” and it is easy to identify and label it. You know it when you see it. But what if character lives in the gray? What if at one time one behavior in one situation is acting with character, and in another set of circumstances that same behavior demonstrates the absence of character?
This isn’t fun thinking because our brains want us to simplify things. Right or wrong is much easier, it takes less energy to sort through. But exercising anything requires energy and practicing the assumption that character is a skill that must be actively practiced takes energy. Sometimes a whole lot of energy.
As Brene Brown says in her book Dare to Lead, “the mark of a wild heart is living out these paradoxes in our lives and not giving into the either or BS. It’s showing up in our vulnerability AND courage and above all else, being both fierce AND kind.”
Character lives in:
Showing grace AND holding people accountable
Leading AND following
Deciding AND seeking input.
In choosing to show up AND choosing not to.
It’s not about choosing one thing that on the surface seems on the opposite end of a spectrum, it’s about choosing to embrace and live out both all at once through the lens of our values.
Of the paradoxes I find hardest to navigate in this season of my life, it is showing up AND not. I live in the space of such privilege that I have an endless amount of choices on how to spend my time. You see, anytime you or I decide to show up for something or someone we are also making the choice to not show up for a million other things. I’m in the season now of leading a team and a business while also leading, along with my husband, three children ages almost thirteen to four. Embracing this AND is my biggest challenge and also my greatest opportunity to grow in character by actively practicing the skill.
For example, our middle child- the cream of our cookie as she likes to call herself- is the greatest guilt tripper on the planet and she likes to lay it on THICK. I think this guilt tripping comes from the guilt tripping she does to herself more than anyone else. This is the child that has won the student of the month for initiative and/or leadership since Pre-K and she thinks she needs to be and do all for everyone in order to lean into who she is. And she expects others around her to do the same. But she can take this too far. She is her mother. Bless her.
She wants me to be at EVERYTHING, participating in everything at school, like she sees many of her friend’s mom’s doing. Earlier in my life, when I made most of my parenting mistakes with my first born- bless his soul, I hope he forgives me one day- I would have felt like it was a character flaw within me to miss something he wanted me to attend. And if my oldest had laid a guilt trip on me at age nine because I was missing something because of work, I probably would have said something along the lines of, “Your daddy and I work to put food on the table and a roof over your head. Quit complaining! I can’t be at everything!” I would have taken my guilt and turned it into shame for him.
But as I’m learning and growing I’m trying to flex and grow the muscle of character and realizing that sometimes I need to show up for my kids AND sometimes I need to show up for someone else. And that by actually showing up for someone else sometimes, I’m really showing up for my kids too.
I missed the cream of the cookie’s annual soccer tournament between 4th grade classes because our work team was on a retreat to celebrate many things- a birthday, a work anniversary, a marriage, and a great year as a company. I intentionally decided to do that (even though she did lay the guilt on thick) and used it as an opportunity to talk with her about living in the AND in the best way I knew how. Instead of getting defensive, I communicated, explained and hopefully conveyed that she is important, but the world does not revolve around her (a lesson many of us still need to learn) and that my team at work was important too. I tried to teach her and remind myself of the value of People First, our first value at Horizon Point and in my life, by having a conversation with her. I tried to remind her (and me) that there is no way for her to be everything for everyone at all times and to also ask her questions about why she might be upset about why I can or can’t attend something.
I’ll be at her annual Turkey Bowl game and have said no to half a dozen other appointments in order to be there. She’s the co-captain of her class’ football team and I hope she leads them with a People First mindset.
In thinking about this, how many of you really didn’t want to show up to this today? It’s okay, you can raise your hands, I won’t be offended. Whether you were willing to admit it or not, the choice you made to show up today could be based on a variety of factors. But I hope your decision to show up here AND not show up somewhere else was done with intent. And based on your values. Your beliefs.
In a world where a lot of us grit and bare our way through life and we don’t stop to think about why and what to show up for, I think character can be found in sometimes showing up AND sometimes not. And in flexing the muscle to think it through. Only you can answer whether or not showing up to this luncheon today was the leaderful thing to do based on your commitment to character. Coming here may have been an escape or an excuse from what you really needed to do. And trust me, I am seeing that a ton right now in the leadership and executive coaching and training we do. Leaders not showing up to do the hard things. I think this largely stems from being uncomfortable with embracing AND. You know, as Brene Brown said, the “kind AND fierce” kind of AND.
Coming here may have been the very best possible thing that you could do on a Wednesday at lunch for fostering workplace ethics. Only you can decide, but I hope you do discern it through your values. And that you are constantly challenging your assumptions.
In the words of Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
I don’t know what you have next on your agenda for today. Maybe it is having a difficult conversation you’ve been dreading, or avoiding it. Maybe it is picking up your kids from school or visiting an ailing parent. Maybe it’s going home and taking a nap or going to the gym. Any number of these things could be the next right thing you can and should do to build your character. Whatever you decide to do for the rest of the day, I hope you choose to behave in a way that grows you in your skill of character. And yall, sometimes that truly is taking a nap. It’s a lot harder to practice character when you are tired or burned out.
The beauty of growing in your character skills is that through your modeling and influence you will help others flex their muscles to grow in character skills as well, and that’s what leadership is all about.
