“Your daughter really stepped up to be a leader with all the kids today,” says one mother.

“Really?”  asks the other, “She wasn’t being bossy was she?”

Why do we think as parents, and especially with girls, when our child steps up to take charge of a situation that they are being bossy?

I heard a similar dialogue with a dear friend of mine, who is one of the best, if not the best mother I know. Her oldest daughter, who is a smart, caring and leaderful girl, stepped up to engage kids of all ages, who all really didn’t know each other well, to play a pool game together. My friend was describing the situation to me, and I could tell she was proud of her for stepping up, but at the same time, felt the need to make sure her daughter wasn’t being bossy by taking charge.

From this example, I have some thoughts on how to spot leadership capabilities in kids:

• Kids who are natural leaders seek to organize activities where all are included and the activity is fun for all.
• Kids who are natural leaders find places where they can help out, not seeking be the center of attention.
• Kids who are natural leaders see the talents and passions in others and emphasize them.  They also know where they can best serve.

From this example, I also have some thoughts how I can nurture leadership in my child.  I’m struggling with many of these, but maybe my struggles can help us all:

• First and foremost, I don’t need to feel the need to APOLOGIZE for the behaviors my child that exhibit who he is unless the behavior is making other kids feel bad in the process. I’m not talking about making excuses for destructive behaviors (like our little jaws was at one time) but behaviors that are just an expression of his personality.  If my son steps up to take charge of the situation, I will not label the behavior as bossy or apologize for it.
• I will let the natural evolution of kids playing take place and I won’t try to organize or monopolize it for them. Hovering is not allowed.   I will just allow them to play and let a natural leader emerge and realize the leader that emerges may be different given different activities.
• I will let my son work out (most) of his problems on his own, especially as he gets older. See above rule, “Don’t hover.” Allowing him to solve his own problems without me or my husband hovering (my husband doesn’t fall victim to hovering as much as I do) will help him be better equipped to solve his own (often bigger) problems as he becomes an adult. I hope this will help him to be more capable of aiding others in solving complex problems.  A post that has said this lot of this better than I have, can be found here.
• If we all want our kids to be leaders in their own lives and have the opportunity to lead others, then we need to help them identify and move past, as emphasized in this post by Lyz Lenz, “FIRST. WORLD. PROBLEMS.”  This starts with letting them solve their own.  My favorite quote in Lyz’s post is, “I don’t care if that kid took your toy, get it back yourself, that’s street justice.”
• The above points emphasizes that in order for leadership potential to take place, I have to regularly engage my child in playing with other children.  Taking this a step further, I need to engage my son with people who are different than he is in age, in gender, in interests and in socioeconomics.
• I will let him fail. Even as I write this, I know I’m not entirely telling the truth. It’s my instinct to protect and nurture. But as tough as this is, he is going to learn more from failures than he ever possibly could from winning all the time. In an HR meeting I was in last week, the sponsor was from a drug rehabilitation program. Instead of focusing on trying to sell their services, he used his 2-3 minutes of talking time to tell the group that the main reason people end up in their program is because their parents have sheltered them completely from failure and from pain. He went on to say that those that experience recovery in their programs are the ones that can admit and recognize their failure and pain, own it, and learn from it. Maybe telling myself that allowing my child to fail will keep him out of drug rehab will help my efforts.

How do you spot natural leadership in your child and how do you nurture it? How do you spot natural leadership capabilities int he workplace and nurture it?