Category: Personal Development

Interpersonal skills are a distinguishing factor in what makes people successful.  I’m not talking about us all needing to be extraverts, I’m talking about us being able to understand ourselves and others and relate to people in a way that builds connections and relationships.  Many people refer to this as emotional intelligence. 

I often hear employers talk about how job candidates’ interpersonal skills are lacking.  Components of this include poor communication skills, low self-awareness, inability to control emotions and to read and respond to emotion in others.  Many cite the constant connection to technology leading to the demise of strong interpersonal skills in people. 

So how do you improve interpersonal skills?  Because it is a somewhat nebulous concept, creating concrete actions to improve may also be a challenge. 

But in listening to the HR Happy Hour Podcast, Episode 385- The State of Recruiting– guest Jim Stroud says the following about helping build interpersonal skills in recruiters: 

So ways to build up interpersonal skills I would say would be to volunteer your services at some charitable function.  Maybe help out in a soup kitchen. Something where you deal with the homeless or just people in general because you may think of yourself as a patient person, but you never really know how patient you are and good you are with people when you have to deal with people who may not be as privileged as you are.  And you have to bite your tongue and you have to take yourself out of the equation. 

And I think as you do things like that you build up empathy and interpersonal skills that all transfers over when you are talking to candidates.  You won’t see them so much as numbers or resumes, you’ll see them as real people. And that will help you build bonds with candidates that will help you get more referrals from candidates, which will help you find people that don’t necessarily want to be found. 

He’s saying to do something that doesn’t seem connected to our job which actually leads to better job performance and results. I totally agree with Jim although I don’t think I’ve ever even thought to give this simple advice to anyone looking to improve their interpersonal skills. 

So, if you want to improve at the skill everyone seems to need, but the world seems to be wired to cultivate less of, sign up to volunteer at regular intervals where interaction with others, especially people who are less fortunate than you are, is required. 

Employers would be wise to incentivize and support this type of effort in their workforce as well. 

Where are you volunteering today?

Patience is not one of my virtues. And oftentimes, the world reinforces what seems to be the need for it not to be. Get it done and get it done fast so you can get more done is often the mantra whether we consciously or unconsciously preach this to ourselves or hear it from others.  And we are often rewarded for that “productivity”.

As Nathan Foster states in his book, The Making of an Ordinary Saint, when discussing the discipline of study, “I just couldn’t seem to escape the obsession with being productive.  I’m always trying to get more done quicker, and when I can’t clearly see my progress, I get irritated. Feeding my driven angst is my compliance to the sin of comparison and its subtle, destructive fruit, competition.” 

You nailed me, Nathan. And I see myself passing this on to my children. 

As I wait, somewhat impatiently, for the arrival of our third child, who we all thought would make a quick and early appearance, I’ve had a month of reminders about the value and grace that comes in the form of waiting. Or as Jen Wilkins describes in her book In His Image,  “Patience is not just the ability to wait, but to abide.” I have spent July trying to abide. 

Most of these reminders have come from abiding in reading daily with my son.  My husband and I have passed the “sin” of competitiveness onto him through both nature and nurture.  His need to get things done and get them done quickly encompasses just about every behavior in his life.  Everything is a competition. And when he can’t “win” he gets frustrated and reacts in ways that try everyone’s patience, including his own.  And his frustration spills into a lack of confidence in reading that spills into other areas with a lack of confidence. 

His challenges with reading are magnified through epilepsy that impacts the language center of his brain.  Nature gives him a double whammy where “abiding” in the process of reading, and many other things for that matter, are just plain hard.  

So we fight our urges, both his and mine, by reminding ourselves before we start reading each morning that 1) we are going to take our time and that 2) we are not going to get frustrated.  

Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn’t.  But as Foster says in his book about journeying from frustration to joy, “Yet grace understands my humanness. Grace gives me space to keep going, appreciate the process, and accept what I lack.” 

And giving ourselves and others grace often leads to meaningful learning.  As Foster says, learning is a process in which the divine is acutely evident: “It was so easy to bring God into learning. I felt his delight in showing me how things work. His love for creativity was immensely evident.” 

By taking time off to do what I thought was have a baby, I’ve gotten the opportunity to abide in a routine of daily morning reading that has lasted almost of a month out on our back porch with my children.  It has been a blessing and process which has revealed how valuable patiently abiding in practice at a pace that is unrushed and uncompetitive leads to results that often doesn’t actually come from actively focusing on being “productive”. 

My son’s reading has improved over the summer, and we are still working on abiding in the process of learning in a way that doesn’t lead to frustration.  It is something we will always be working on: learning in the traditional sense and in the sense that abiding in learning makes us more self-aware and better human beings. It makes us the best kind of learners, lifelong ones.

As Wilkin’s says, “We may overlook the possibility that the waiting itself could be the good and perfect gift, delivered right to our doorstep.”*

Where do you need to abide in order to learn through patiently waiting today?

*My good and perfect gift came in the form of time with our two children before the good and perfect gift of their baby brother arrived the day after I wrote the blog post.  We joyfully welcomed Graham Samuel Ward into our family on August 7, 2019. 

Publix grocery delivery has changed my life!  Well maybe that is an exaggeration but discovering how easy and beneficial this is at nine months pregnant is a game-changer.  If you haven’t tried it (or another type of grocery delivery service) I suggest you do.  It is saving me at least two hours weekly prepping for the grocery store, going to the grocery store, shopping, and then unloading all groceries.   

It’s delegating a task that you can’t create (or are the best person to create) value from at its finest.  It’s what millionaires do. The best kind of delegating.  

Leadership is a game of delegation too. It is a game of defining vision and then creating tasks/objectives to achieve that vision in a way that selects the best people to do each task/objective in a way that optimizes returns. It should kill two birds with one stone: allowing you as a leader to optimally maximize your time and the time of others while teaching and imparting valuable skills to others.  

I’m in a transition much like my grocery store delegation in my business right now. With very competent and capable staff members, a new baby on the way, and a new business launch this year that is hyper-focused on key growth objectives, I’ve spent much of the last three months delegating things to others that I know they are better suited to contribute value to than I am in a way that also grows their skills and learning. 

In all of this, I’ve learned some keys to maximizing the delegation game: 

1. Realize the importance and reason for delegating. This is pretty much described above, but reading the two posts linked out in the text above will really provide additional context for this: 

 It’s what millionaires do. It should kill two birds with one stone.

Once you understand this, it’s pretty clear to see that spending $99.00 a year on grocery delivery service and a $5.00-10.00 tip each time for the driver is totally worth it. Not that I would be spending the same exact time each day that I would be going to the grocery store billing clients, but I can do the math and know my two hours each week is much better spent on other things.  Much like if I delegate important tasks that someone else can do better than I can, it frees up my time to contribute value in the best way I can. 

2. Have a mode to support the transfer of task/outcomes/objectives that is easy to use. This is usually in the form of some type of technology that works well. The Publix grocery delivery app is so easy to use, and I haven’t had any trouble finding the products I need.  Since I can pick specific products with specific SKU’s it makes the delegation of what I want easy for the person that is shopping for me.  It is clear and straightforward.  

In business, we use a CRM/project management tool called Insightly.  Everyone on our team can create business contacts, opportunities, projects, and tasks and assign things to others in an easy and intuitive way.   I can check it at regular intervals to see progress on things without having to bother the person working on something, and I also get notifications when things are completed via email and my phone. The Publix grocery app does the same thing. I know exactly when the person starts shopping for my groceries, I can track what items he/she has in their cart, and it notifies me when they are on their way with an arrival time.  

3. Have a mode to support communication when clarity of task assignment or objectives is needed. Not everything can easily be communicated through an app, but tools like being able to put notes in my produce items (such as, “I want green bananas instead of ripe yellow or brown ones.”) can help you specify what is needed.  They can also reach out to you to ask questions about your grocery needs if they need clarity via the app. 

Obviously, business communication isn’t as easy as whether you want your bananas green or yellow.  But the same principle applies. The way this looks like for us is an open channel to always call or email me with questions and vice versa related to project scope or tasks. In addition, we hold monthly one-on-one meetings to communicate and clarify roles and responsibilities and calibrate towards the ultimate goals. 

4. Have a mode for feedback. One delivery led to some rotten grapes and some green onions that looked like they had been soaked in water and drowned. The app always sends a push notification asking you to provide feedback on the experience and your groceries. I was able to note this feedback, and they refunded my money for both items. 

When we are trying to use delegation as a way to grow and develop others, feedback channels always need to be open and need to be two-way. Our monthly one-on-ones help to foster this dialogue.  For example, our newest team member is still adjusting to moving to a new city for this role and also transitioning from a very structured work environment (otherwise known as be here from 8 am-5 pm M-F) to a very unstructured one (where it is we don’t care how and when you get work done, just get it done by always keeping the vision, mission, and the customer’s needs top of mind). We discussed her concerns related to this transition period during our last one-on-one and also discussed ways to help with this different way of working that she is suited for, but still not accustomed to. This was also a time for me to ask her what I could do differently, or would be helpful in communicating with her given the adjustment in proximity to me and co-workers she is collaborating with as we all work remotely. 

What lessons have you learned to help you delegate more effectively?