As I take in my daily dose of news fed to me via email by the New York Times on Saturday, August 31, I’m surprised to see the title: Opinion: Surgeon General: Parents Are at Their Wits’ End. We Can Do Better.
Saturday’s Times email blast usually features a more lighthearted piece, especially on a holiday weekend.
But as I opened the article, I couldn’t help thinking, “No sh*t!” to what the Surgeon General was saying. You see, I have literally just cleaned up sh*t (Or wait, was it vomit?) off the floor of our bathroom as child number two out of three started with a full round of the stomach bug and didn’t quite make it to the toilet.
Such are the “joys”, I guess, as the Surgeon General references in his opinion piece. It is back to school season and everyone is passing around germs.
But this is not all that has come during back to school month in a household of three children ages 13,10, and 5. When they are healthy, EVERYDAY at school, everyday of life, demands something.
Take for example, the day before the holiday weekend started. One child had to bring a snack for his class that corresponded with the color of the day- black. In case you are wondering, Oreos were a hit for the group of four and five year olds. And don’t forget, he had to wear black too. This is day nine of ten days of the color game where corresponding outfits with the color of the day are a must. We opted for bracelets two of the ten days because I refused to go buy clothes just to meet the color demands of Pre-K.
The ten-year-old had student council speeches at 8:15 am the same day. Prior to said speech, this required the speech to be written and turned in for approval and posters to be made. Oh, and a parent form to sign. Of course, it outlined the requirements and obligations of both parent and student for accepting the role of leading the student government of an elementary school. She ran for President and lost, so cue in the emotional support needing to be provided there. This support takes place in between trips to the said toilet with the stomach bug.
And the thirteen year old. Well, his struggles have been much like the Surgeon General leads his article with- serious health issues. On this Thursday before the Labor Day holiday, he had just been discharged from an almost week long hospital stay.
So, you can see why I was saying “No sh*t!” to the Surgeon General op-ed. It has been a season for our family of intense stress. Honestly, it takes a toll even when someone isn’t hospitalized or throwing up everywhere.
The demands for black snacks, constant school events- which nine times out of ten requires you to send money and fill out a form- is ongoing. And let us not forget figuring out how the heck you are going to carve out time to work to pay for all this stuff and get work done (if you are fortunate enough to have the flexibility to leave work) to attend kids activities in and out of school or care for them when they are sick.
I have it made, but…
The Surgeon General and I may not be in identical boats, but we both have it “made” when it comes to the lifestyle we can afford for ourselves and our children.
As the first comment I saw of the NYT piece said, “Dr. Murphy had access to top shelf medical care and a supportive workplace. He is very lucky. A lot of parents don’t have these advantages.”
I have these advantages too. My husband and I work for ourselves and therefore have a ton of flexibility when it comes to when and where and how we do work. At least one of us can make the 8:15 am student council speech and another the 2:15 carline pick up line because our five year old is too young to go to extended day at the elementary school where he attends. We don’t have to punch a time clock, and we are able to divide and conquer.
Our health insurance is uber expensive and not that great of coverage honestly, but we have it. We don’t have to make decisions on whether to access the healthcare system if any of us needs it based on whether or not we can afford it.
That doesn’t negate the stress, though, of the 12:08 am email that had to go out to a client the night my son was admitted to hospital to say, last minute, that I wouldn’t be at his facility the next morning given what I described to him vaguely as “a family medical emergency.” Or the meeting I had to put off twice about starting a new contract with another client with the same vague reasoning. I eventually had to delegate the meeting to a person on my team who I know executed everything beautifully. But it is just another example of the constant- and I mean constant- reshuffling I have to do to try to work- and I’m lucky that it is work I love- and raise kids.
I cannot imagine the toll day-to-day parenting takes on the single parent, the parent that can’t leave work or they will be fired, the parent who doesn’t have insurance, and the parent who doesn’t have a village of people around them helping them.
We’ve been raising kids since the beginning of time. Has it always been this hard?
So maybe it is just the way things are today. Me and peers are making too much of parenting, spending too much time worrying about our kids, engaging them and us in too many activities in and out of school, worried too much about them missing out. Or are we both working when only one of us should? Or are we worried about missing out on every single thing they do because of the comparison and judgment between parents that show up for everything and those that do not?
I think since the beginning of time parenting has been stressful. Cue Cain and Abel and that tragedy. I’m sure the death of one son at the hand of the other was pretty stressful for Adam and Eve income, privilege, and societal demands of the time and all aside. The stress of trying to provide the very best care for our children so they can grow up to be healthy adults is not new, and I think it is one all parents have shared since the beginning of time.
But there are some things today that are different. As comments in the NYT article point to, screens and social media do, I think, play a role in the difficulties. They aren’t to blame, but they do play a role. The way the structure of work is misaligned with education and childcare (access and affordability) plays a role. The way we are constantly striving for more, more, more plays a role. And as many of the comments in the NYT Op-Ed point to, this seems to be unique to America. Do kids really need to go on two field trips in one month at school? Do we really need to operate this factory 24/7/365? The healthcare system, as MANY comments in the NYT article point to, plays a role and adds a lot of stress if and when you have to encounter it. And if you are alive, you will at one point or another.
And as I write this last paragraph, my inbox dings with a breaking news alert from the Times, “Four people were killed and at least nine injured in a shooting on the campus of a Georgia high school, the authorities said.”
Yeah, there is that stress too. If I send my kid to school today, are they going to get shot?
Yes, things are the same as the beginning of time, and yet they are different.
So how on earth do I- or people like me who have pretty constant caregiving demands and stress- even think about professional development?
We’ve been focused on the importance of professional development on the blog for the last few weeks. We’ve talked about what we’ve been up to for professional development, the ROI of it, and how to do it when you don’t really have a budget for it.
But what if you are in a season of life where you just don’t have the time for it or the mental bandwidth to focus on it? Did you notice in the what we’ve been up to for professional development post what I’ve been doing for PD? Nope, you didn’t. That is because I am not doing a thing! Practicing what I preach I am not.
What if you are leading someone or working along someone that is in this season? Many of which are sandwiched caregivers- caring for growing children and aging parents all at once.
Or are you leading someone who really needs to focus on caring for themselves? Or a spouse or other loved one? Let’s face it, everyone has something with varying degrees of intensity and capacity to handle that intensity.
As I am contemplating this post while caring for the thirteen year old through his go-round with the stomach bug (yes, it made its way through all of us), I get a text from someone that works with me. I cringe when she says she works “for” me, but I pay her. I’m supposed to be that leader who is focused on the ROI of her professional development.
She asks when would be a good time for her to call me. I tell her I’m free and the phone rings shortly after.
After checking on us and also talking about her family, she says, “I’m pregnant.”
I congratulate her and we talk about some work things. Then, she circles back around to what I know has been on her mind the most. How does she navigate having and raising this child with work?
How do I do it? she asks. Well, not really well at the moment I want to tell her!
I know she wonders if the same privilege I gave myself of easing back into work after having all three of my kids be afforded to her? Of course it will. Of course.
And what about healthcare? Can she get on the company’s family coverage? I reach out to get the benefits plan information from our insurance provider to send to her shortly after we get off the phone.
The Surgeon General points to things in his piece like paid parental leave and changes in healthcare to help with the “toll” of parenting. Whereas I don’t think anything he mentions are bad things, my political philosophy inclines me to think that it isn’t the government’s job to alleviate “tolls” we face, but our very own.
It is the job of families, employers, and communities to create a healthy society. To help society successfully navigate and mitigate the tolls this life lays on each and every one of us and to revel in the joy that comes with life too.
Some of the hard cannot and will not be avoided, but some of it can be made better if we care for and treat each other well. That is where the joy mostly comes from.
And, yes, families, employers, and communities need to play an active role advocating for the government to play its role where it should, but we can’t turn a blind eye to the choices we have in each of our roles to make a difference.
We can treat people like humans, honor the stage of life they are in, and design a workplace around getting work done and getting it done with excellence while also realizing a person’s productivity may ebb and flow based on where they are in life. And realizing it will really ebb in the wrong direction if we neglect to see the whole person and if we try to treat humans like machines.
Some balls bounce and some balls break
A week or so after the conversation with the pregnancy announcement, we have our monthly one-on-one. We talk through a lot of client work and potential work. It is kind of hectic. We have to call another team member in at one point to talk through an execution plan for a new client.
And as we usually do in one-on-ones, we spend some time talking about her professional development within the context of her needs and the company’s needs.
I can tell she is concerned about taking on too much during this season of her life where a new child will enter and in her current state where she just doesn’t feel good and she never knows when that may or may not hit. Thus are the joys of growing a human being inside you.
I think out loud and I can tell my thinking out loud may be overwhelming her. I even sometimes overwhelm myself with it.
So, I stop. I ask her to think about one thing she wants to grow in professionally. Just one. I can tell she doesn’t want to stall her learning and growth, and she says as much, but she also wants some grace as she navigates what looks like a very different season coming up for her.
I don’t want her to stop learning and growing. I want her to continue to grow in her confidence and skills where she can continue to add value to the organization. But I know she won’t do either of these things if she is overwhelmed.
None of us perform at an optimum level when we are overwhelmed. And let’s face it, I’ve been overwhelmed pretty much all year. What is it the Surgeon General called it? Oh yes, I’m at my “Wits’ End.”
So, as I heed advice to her, I heed advice to myself. What is the one thing I want to grow in? Not ten things, not three things, one thing.
Seasons come and seasons go, and right now the season for both of us is one of intense child-rearing. If I’m honest (and you can probably already tell based on my tone to begin with), I am sometimes resentful of the intensity of this child rearing season that takes me away from a focus on professional growth.
But like my colleague said in the same meeting, we have rubber balls and we have glass balls. If we drop a rubber ball, it will bounce. But if we drop a glass ball, it will break.
My professional growth and hers will bounce.
Our children are glass and we parents will do everything in our power to make sure nothing causes them to break. Sometimes we need help discerning what will help our kids grow and what might break them, just like we do for ourselves.
But in this season of life for both of us, we both need something we can claim for ourselves and our own growth, even if it is just one thing. One small thing. It will, I know, make us better parents to have this one thing to call our own and to have each other to challenge us to do it and not take our eye off that ball, even if it will bounce.
The whole person of each of your employees and the value they bring to your organization are glass balls too. What are you doing today to make sure they don’t break? Especially when the Surgeon General is issuing warnings about it?
And what are you doing to give them a ball or two to bounce so they learn and grow and continue to add value for themselves and your organization?
