Horizon Point Consulting

Category: Beyond Leadership

Beyond Leadership is Horizon Point’s line of resources for managers of people. Managing ourselves is a distinct set of behaviors from managers the work of others, and we are here to help. Read stories in this category if you are ready to take the next step into people leadership (or if you’re looking for articles to send someone else…).

  • Our Schedules Communicate Priorities

    Our Schedules Communicate Priorities

    On a Sunday morning about 7 AM, I was in the middle of a run. It was a quiet, beautiful fall morning until I looped back around and through the sports and water park complex near my house.  Cars started driving by and turning into the parking lot by the tennis center. I could hear an abundance of tennis balls popping off rackets as, what seemed to be, many people warming up.

    I’ve run by on other Sunday mornings about that time to see what couldn’t be older than five and six-year-olds warming up for soccer matches. The minivans and SUVS of their parents had to have filled the parking lots with license plates from other counties and even other states before the sun even woke up.

    On a Sunday.

    Call me old fashioned, but this early morning quest for getting more travel soccer, or travel tennis, or travel whatever sport in for young kids just blows my mind, even if it is driving in tons of revenue for my hometown as people come and put heads in beds with their entire family for an elementary school kid to play sports all weekend.

    What is the reasoning behind what has seemed to largely be held by society as a day of rest a day to get in more sports, Sunday after Sunday? Maybe it is the mindset of practice makes perfect as I wrote about last week, but whatever it is, it’s communicating that the sport, whatever it may be, is the priority. Our schedule communicates our priorities. On the weekend, family time isn’t the priority, or church or even time for a kid to rest a little and enjoy a free day to just be a kid.

    I’ve had several discussions revolving around this idea of how priorities are being communicated to kids. One mom whose little girl isn’t even six months old mentioned her concern with her family growing “overscheduled” as kids’ activities develop. Another expressed concern over an hour worth of homework for her daughter on a night when she had church and dance.  My own mother even expressed her observation about how kids don’t have time to just be kids anymore.

    Even the Today Show had a segment addressing the increase in homework kids have to complete these days, with one teacher expressing it is not the amount of homework but the amount of extracurricular things on kids’ calendars today that results in what should take 15 minutes of homework “double and triple” that amount of time because, by the time the student actually sits down to do the homework, they have already had so much packed into their day that they are just DONE (fast forward to 2:15 of the clip to hear this comment).

    Traveling and playing soccer all day every weekend for a season to me, brings on the sense of DONE before the week even starts.  Especially for a six-year-old.

    But if I’m honest with myself, I worry that I’ll be sucked into the travel soccer or tennis or baseball or dance craze with my own son and daughter (who will arrive in March) and they are only two and not even born yet.   When everyone is doing it, aren’t you just supposed to follow suit?

    What does this have to do with leadership?

    Whether we are the leader of our households or the leader of a team or company, or even the leader of our own lives, realizing that we are communicating priorities to our people and ourselves by how we prioritize time is important.

    Do you occupy your own time or your team’s with multiple meetings? I had one professional in leadership class tell me most of his weeks are composed of 30 hours on average of meetings.   By the time he was able to get to the work that he was supposed to do as a result of all these meetings, he was just DONE, not being able to contribute meaningfully to his purpose, and therefore his ability to produce value, for the organization.

    Maybe as a parent, we do want sports or other extracurricular activities or homework to be the priority for our children. But my challenge would be, if one thing takes the priority, by the time they get to everything else are they just DONE? And is it even what they want? Is what we schedule helping them express who they are and how they can contribute to the family and to society in a meaningful way or is the schedule communicating something else entirely?

    As a leader, help people define how they contribute meaningfully and then avoid overschedule them with things that don’t help them see this through.  

    Where are you, your team, or your family overscheduled with things that don’t truly matter?

  • How to be Authentic with Your Appreciation at Work

    How to be Authentic with Your Appreciation at Work

    What is your most desired love language- or language of appreciation- at work? The Motivating by Appreciation (MBA) Inventory assessment can help you and your colleagues discern this. 

    What makes giving and receiving appreciation at work so hard?  Often, it is the simple fact that we’ve been conditioned to follow the golden rule instead of the platinum one.

    The golden rule says to do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  So in context, if my language of appreciation is quality time, then the way I live the golden rule is to give you quality time because it is what I desire. 

    By contrast, if I’m living the platinum rule at work, I’m doing unto you as you want to be treated, not as I want to be treated.  Therefore, if you desire acts of service as your primary love language at work, showing my appreciation to you in this way is how I will treat you instead of giving you quality time as my default. 

    Research cited in The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace notes that 75% of people predominantly speak the love language they want to receive.  This is true of the assessment of love language outside of work for romantic relationships and kids and teens as well.

    And it makes sense that we do this, because it takes less energy to give what comes naturally to us, and what comes naturally to us is what we want and need ourselves. 

    The best leaders and colleagues (and spouses and parents) however, take the time and energy to know people well and customize their behavior towards what others need or what the situation best requires.  This is called self-monitoring.  Some people call it emotional intelligence. Others simply call it exhausting. 

    And it is exhausting.  But what often wears us thin, wears us less thin the more we do it.  And the more we do it, the more people feel appreciated, and the less they crave it if they are getting it regularly enough.  They become less needy and we become less exhausted.  And they give more back to us and others when they are less needy too. 

    So the next time you get frustrated with someone acting like they are unappreciated at work or simply acting in a way that is so foreign or different than you would ever behave and they are wearing you out, take the time to reflect on what makes them tick. 

    And if you’re frustrated no one is taking the time to appreciate you, reflect on why that is as well.  You’d do well to notice how others are trying to appreciate you and realize that is probably how they want to be appreciated themselves. 

    Having a discussion about what kind of “love” we all want and need, and recognizing we are all are different I think was the intent of the person who spoke of the need for the golden rule, to begin with.  Simply follow the example of meeting people where they are with what they need. 

     

    How do you best show people appreciation at work? 

  • Should We Throw Touch as a Love Language at Work out the Window?

    Should We Throw Touch as a Love Language at Work out the Window?

    The Five Love Languages for romantic relationships and parents and children can also be applied at work.  Adapted to be the Five Love Languages of Appreciation instead of love in the workplace, the approach is the same. Know what other people need and give them that. 

    Even though the developers of this concept replace “appreciation” for “love” when applied to the workplace, I have no problem with calling it love languages at work.  Our workplaces can and are better places when we show love in the right way and context everywhere we go.  Including the office. Especially in the office. 

    But what about the fact that touch is one of the five love languages?  With as many issues that we have seen in the workplace related to inappropriate sexual advances often involving touch, how do we deal with this? 

    First, it is an issue of measurement.  Where it is easy to describe ways someone may want and need touch in a romantic relationship, assessing appropriate touching in the workplace to discern if it is someone’s language of love or appreciation is rather difficult.  

    Next, it is an issue if touch is okay at all in the workplace. If we can’t assess it appropriately, is doing anything related to touch at work okay?

    I think at times touch is completely appropriate at work.  But how do we discern when and how and who when it comes to such a sensitive subject? 

    First, knowing who it is okay to touch and how is important.   One way to discern this is to see if someone is comfortable giving appropriate touch at the office.  If they are hugging, it is probably okay for you to hug them.  If they always offer you a hand to shake instead of a hug as a greeting, it probably best to stick with a more formal handshake with that person.

    Second, we need to realize that touch is often needed to express certain things. One, touch may be what is most appropriate in work situations to express care, concern, and empathy.  People are people inside of work just like they are outside. There are situations when people are hurting or in need and touch is absolutely the appropriate response. This means that in some industries where care is the primary work being done, appropriate touch may be a part of the job description. 

    Two, physical touch has been shown to be appropriate to express spontaneous celebration. Think about sporting events and how often people spontaneously touch to celebrate.  There are instances in the workplace where touch, such as a high five for winning a major contract or a fistbump for finishing a complex project, makes a lot of sense.

    When thinking about touch in the workplace it is also important to take into account cultural differences. 

     

    What do you think about physical touch in the workplace? 

  • How to Serve at Work (and at Home)

    How to Serve at Work (and at Home)

    The sink is piled high with dishes. The trash is overflowing. Laundry hasn’t been done in days. The baby is crying, and the third grader needs help with homework.  

    And my husband is playing Xbox. 

    I don’t want to have to ask for help, I want him to notice I need help and do it. 

    My urge for him to read my mind and miraculously unload the dishes and clean out the sink without me having to ask is temporarily outweighed by how bad the dishes piled up are bothering me. 

    “Could you empty the dishwasher and reload it, please?” I ask.

    “In a little bit.”  he says. 

    But it’s bothering me so bad, I do it myself.  I want it done NOW, not in a “little bit” whatever that means, which could be next year as far as I’m concerned.  

    And I seethe in resentment. Can he not SEE clearly that I need help? I don’t want to have to ask. I want him to want to serve me and our household by just doing what needs to be done.  

    Acts of Service is not my primary love language (quality time is), but it is my second.   Short of spending quality time with me, I want you to help me.  I think this may have something to do with the phase of life I find myself in when demands of home and work are intense all at once. 

    My husband has no need for acts of service as a love language.  He wants to do things his own way on his own time, so he rarely recognizes the need for acts of service. Hence him also wanting to do the dishes “in a little bit.” 

    But this example points to the fact that there are good and bad ways to serve others.  And “bad” ways are actually worse than not serving at all. 

    First, people who don’t value acts of service don’t want you to “help” them.  They want you to let them do it themselves. So, there’s that.  Resist the urge to serve when offering a “How can I help you?” leads them to think you think they are incompetent or incapable.  Or when they have such a need for control in how things get done, they want to do it themselves.

    For those that do want acts of service,  The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace suggests asking the following questions:

    1. What would be helpful to you?  In my example, the dishwasher unloaded and the sink cleaned out and a reloaded dishwasher, please. Then you can tackle third-grade homework, thank you. 
    2. How would you like the task(s) done?  Lord help me if my husband doesn’t know how to load and unload the dishwasher.  He does, and my issue isn’t so much how I want it done (although in other cases that might really matter) it is when I want it done….
    3. When would be the best time to help? NOW please, just now.  

    As the book states, “When we demonstrate that we are willing to help our colleagues in the ways most beneficial to them, rather than what is convenient for us, we communicate that we value and respect them (and how they do things).”

    I have a colleague whose primary love language is acts of service. She is constantly serving others at home and at work, so my guess is this is what she values because 75% of people predominantly speak the love language they want to receive.  

    I think I’ve often neglected to serve her by asking these questions because she is so quick to do it before me.  For example, we all work remotely, so we don’t have a common place where we meet or keep office items.  Therefore, it is not uncommon for us to need to get physical items to each other, such as documents that need to be signed, tools for training, or something to take to a client. She is always first to offer to bring it to me. Whether it is convenient for her or not. 

    I need to do better in serving her by asking, “When and where would be helpful for you for us to exchange these items?” and go get them from her when and where it is best for her, not for me. 

    By paying attention to how people want to be served through how they serve others, and by doing it their way, not ours, we demonstrate that we know how to appreciate others that value acts of service. 

    How can people best serve you at home and at the office?

     

    Disclaimer:  I kinda threw my husband under the bus in this story.  This is a true story, but the bigger truth is that nine times out of ten he is super helpful and servant oriented.  I’ve seen marriages unravel because of controlling wives (or husbands) who want all things done their way, on their time, and as my husband says, expects their spouse to always be able to read their minds.  When they don’t read their mind, they then stew in resentment for days or weeks.  This isn’t the extreme I’m pointing to either. We’d be best at home and at work to look for ways to serve each other realizing that part of that service is doing things how and when the person we are trying to serve wants it done.  But sometimes, serving also means realizing that giving someone a minute to play Xbox (or whatever mindless activity they need at the moment) when they’ve had a long day at work is an act of service too. 

  • The Way We Fail at Work with our Words and our Gifts

    The Way We Fail at Work with our Words and our Gifts

    Expressing love at work may seem like a little too much.  But in reality, showing love is really showing people you care.  It isn’t about recognizing people’s accomplishments, it’s about appreciating people for who they are. 

    When we are talking about love at work, we are really talking about how to show people you appreciate them.  We talked about how to apply quality time as a love language at work on the blog last week. Quality time is a love language that is sometimes hard to know how to apply to work, but the love languages that are most and least desired in terms of frequency of those who have completed the Motivating by Appreciation (MBA) Inventory assessment-a tool to assess showing appreciation through the love languages at the office- are two of the most frequently used forms of showing appreciation at the office. 

    But are we applying these two love languages correctly? 

    The most frequently used method of showing appreciation at the office is tangible gifts, yet it is the least frequently desired.  The employee recognition industry is a multi-billion dollar one.  But according to research cited in The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, “Only 6% of employees choose tangible gifts as their primary language, and 68% report it is their least valued appreciation language.” 

    The most desired form of showing appreciation- chosen by approximately 45% of employees surveyed through the MBA– is words of affirmation.  People wanted to feel appreciated by what you say to them. 

    The fact that the most frequently used way to thank people, or to show them appreciation, is the least desired one and that the most desired is so desired one points to what I think may be wrong with showing appreciation in the workplace in general. 

    We go wrong with gifts and we go wrong with words because we don’t do a good job of making them personal.   In fact, we’ve written about the best way to thank employees is to make it personal. 

     

    The Way We Fail at Work with our Words

    The way we make our words of affirmation mean nothing is by: 

    1. Not being specific. Saying, “thank you” or “atta boy” and leaving it at that.  We need to personalize our appreciation with specifics.  What did someone do or how do they consistently behave that you appreciate?
    2. We give our words in the wrong context.  Some people like public praise and some do not.  Making our words personal means knowing the right context to give them in.  Research cited in the The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace notes that 40-50% of employees do not want to receive recognition in front of a large group.  Most of the time though, words of appreciation are given in a formal setting with a large group once or twice a year at company events. 
    3. We only provide words of affirmation when performance warrants it.  Sometimes we need to praise for consistent behavior over time that is actually a reflection of someone’s character.  This still needs to be specific, but often people want to be noticed for who they are, not whether it led to an immediate result or not.  Character, in fact, is what leads to lasting results. 

     

    The Way We Fail at Work with our Gifts

    Tangible gifts are most often given to recognize people, not to show appreciation to them.   We get a watch or a plaque for our years of service, or a gift card for Christmas.  These are the types of things that make the employee recognition industry big business.  But they aren’t the things people desire. 

    Gifts go wrong when: 

    1. They aren’t personal. Does everyone want a watch or a plaque?  I really don’t care to have either myself.  What actually often means the most is when a tangible gift is given that you show you know a person well enough to give them something they want.  Giving someone a gift they don’t want or value actually has a worse effect than giving no gift at all. 
    2. They are lip service to appreciation.  When everyone gets the ham for Christmas every year, do you actually feel any appreciation?  My guess would be no. Especially if you are a vegetarian.  Lip service for appreciation is usually so depersonalized. 
    3. Stuff is the focus instead of experiences.  Gifts often fail to be what people actually want in a tangible gift.  What people often want if they value gifts are really experiences, not stuff.  They want tickets to the sports game, a gift certificate to the spa, or a small getaway.  But again, be sure not to violate number one.  Don’t give me a sports tickets and don’t give my husband a trip to the spa. 

     

    How often do you use words or gifts to show appreciation at work?  Which one do you default to and why? And do you make your words and your gifts personal?