Horizon Point Consulting

Author: Mary Ila Ward

  • The Table

    The Table

    I was so excited about my husband’s Christmas gift in 2018. We had just begun renovating our home which would include an outdoor living space. We discussed wanting a large table in this space to be able to have people over to eat and fellowship regularly.   

    I contacted a friend who owns a company that does custom woodworking and asked him to get a table created for us.  Nine feet long I told him, sassafras wood, bench seats.  The table wasn’t ready in time for Christmas nor was the space to put it, so I printed a picture of one similar and wrapped it up for my husband to open Christmas morning.  

    I was excited to see what I expected to be his excitement over the table.  But when he opened the box and figured out what it meant, he began to fire off a series of questions, mainly focused on how big the table was going to be.  I got no thank you, just an interrogation that was followed by him getting up and pulling out our renovation plans to measure the space we intended to put the table in.  

    “I don’t think it is going to fit.” He said.    

    “Do you want chairs to fit on the ends?” He asked me.  “Because I don’t think they will fit.” 

    We re–visited this discussion in some similar form no less than ten times over the course of the next week.  

    At first, I was hurt, but by the end of the first week of his worry over the table fitting, I was downright mad. And we had it out over the table more than once. What I thought would have been an exciting gift turned into something I wish I had never done.   

    A few weeks later I was facilitating some training for a client titled “Understanding Yourself and Others for Managers.”   

    This training focuses on building self-awareness and using that awareness to become aware of others and adapt leadership style and decisions based on the personality of the person(s) you are working with.  

    It uses the DiSC Model to do this:  

    I had an epiphany during the training when talking about conflict at work created by personality differences, realizing that these differences had largely prompted our table dispute.  

    My husband is a DC and I am an iD (or a Di depending on the situation).  I was in my warm and fuzzy and also fast-paced box of getting the present- yay! Surprise! So fun!  Why would I stop and measure how big the table needed to be?  It needs to be big, nine feet sounds good! 

    My husband, on the other hand, had retreated into his C box of total questioning and skeptical with a healthy dose of cautious and reflective to go with it.  To exasperate this mindset, he had started in a role at work about a year prior that put him in a position of leading facility operations at his hospital, almost all of which is governed by strict compliance standards.  Meaning, most of his days were measuring and measuring twice. And documenting that measurement. He had brought this mindset and the importance of it home with him. This led him to process and agonize over and over again – this table isn’t going to fit.   

    And then, when we both got mad that we weren’t being understood, we both jumped into our full-blown D, aka- lion, box to duke it out over whose mindset was right.  And we know what happens when two lions fight.  There will be blood.  

    Sounds like something you’ve dealt with at home? At work? Yep, I thought so.  

    So what do we do?  

    1. Be self-aware of how you are wired and how that causes you to behave.  A good way to verbalize this is to utilize the DiSC model in identifying priorities:

    The priorities of different styles are the words around the circle.  My priority in the table giving situation (and most all situations) was enthusiasm and action, causing me to behave in a way that made me decide to “surprise” my husband and not pay attention to the details (aka- the size of the table) of the surprise. 

    2. Be aware of how others are wired and how that causes them to behave. With the table situation, I should realize that my husband’s main priority is most often accuracy, causing him to want to know the exact details of the gift and be involved in those details to ensure they are accurate.  

    3. Ask yourself, is the way I behave based on my personality consistent or different than the person I’m working with?  Obviously, in the table situation, our priorities are the complete opposite.  In the DiSC model, the styles that are opposite of each other on the circle either end up 1) combative or 2) complementary to one another. 

    4. Then, ask yourself, what conflicts could arise because we are the same or different? In this situation, our lack of awareness and attention to the priorities of each other led to combativeness.  My feelings were hurt because I got zero enthusiasm from him, and he was frustrated because he could not ensure accuracy.  

    5. Then, realize the Platinum Rule– The platinum rule states that we should treat others like they would want to be treated (contrary to the Golden Rule of treating people like you want to be treated).  We all have different needs and priorities as the DiSC model points out. If I’m giving a gift to someone I love, I should think first about their needs and priorities, not my own.  The same goes for leading with a servant leadership approach.  As much as I love a surprise, he does not.  Getting the table should have been handled differently. And the response to the table surprise could have been handled differently as well if only we had both been self-aware and aware of the needs of each other.  

    Whereas we laugh about the table debacle now (by the way, it fits quite nicely in the space, thank you very much!), it is an example of how we can let our differences get in the way when we approach any number of things lead to way bigger issues.  

     

    It also points to the fact that we can allow our differences to complement instead of contradicting each other, leading to better outcomes.  More on that in our next post…. 

  • 4 Actions for Simple, Quality Leadership

    4 Actions for Simple, Quality Leadership

    We welcomed our third child almost three weeks ago.  With five-plus years between this one and our now middle child, we got rid of almost every piece of baby gear we owned. We kept the car seat and base, but come to find out, car seats expire. Who knew? 

    It’s amazing how many seats, swings, monitors, plastic crap, etc. you can get for a baby. Most move, make noise, light up and can be quite expensive. We had a lot of this stuff for our first child. 

    So, as we went to decide what “gear” we had to have, we took a minimalist approach this time around.  We got: 1) car seat 2) stroller 3) sling and 4) borrowed a small seat and a boppy pillow from a friend.  None light up or move and our infant seems to be quite content. 

    Turns out, too, that the minimalist approach might be best too with leadership practices that lead to satisfied employees. Research out from Microsoft shows that four things lead to satisfied aka content employees: 

     

    1. Don’t make people work evenings and weekends (and you working evenings and weekends makes them think they should): 

     

    “One of their findings was that people who worked extremely long workweeks were not necessarily more effective than those who put in a more normal 40 to 50 hours. In particular, when managers put in lots of evening and weekend hours, their employees started matching the behavior and became less engaged in their jobs, according to surveys.”

     

    2. Have one-on-one meetings with your direct reports: 

     

    “Another finding was that one of the strongest predictors of success for middle managers was that they held frequent one-on-one meetings with the people who reported directly to them.”

     

    3. Build your network and relationships across departments: 

     

    “People who made lots of contacts across departments tended to have longer, better careers within the company. There was even an element of contagion, in that managers with broad networks passed their habits on to their employees.”

     

    4. Stop keeping people in meetings all the time: 

     

    “The issue was that their managers were clogging their schedules with overcrowded meetings, reducing available hours for tasks that rewarded more focused concentration — thinking deeply about trying to solve a problem.”

     

    Your leadership practices don’t have to be fancy.  Simply respect people’s time out of work, meet with them regularly, build relationships, and stop having so many meetings.  

    Which one of these things can you implement today to be a better leader?   

     

  • 1 Great Way to Grow in Your Interpersonal Skills

    1 Great Way to Grow in Your Interpersonal Skills

    Interpersonal skills are a distinguishing factor in what makes people successful.  I’m not talking about us all needing to be extraverts, I’m talking about us being able to understand ourselves and others and relate to people in a way that builds connections and relationships.  Many people refer to this as emotional intelligence. 

    I often hear employers talk about how job candidates’ interpersonal skills are lacking.  Components of this include poor communication skills, low self-awareness, inability to control emotions and to read and respond to emotion in others.  Many cite the constant connection to technology leading to the demise of strong interpersonal skills in people. 

    So how do you improve interpersonal skills?  Because it is a somewhat nebulous concept, creating concrete actions to improve may also be a challenge. 

    But in listening to the HR Happy Hour Podcast, Episode 385- The State of Recruiting– guest Jim Stroud says the following about helping build interpersonal skills in recruiters: 

    So ways to build up interpersonal skills I would say would be to volunteer your services at some charitable function.  Maybe help out in a soup kitchen. Something where you deal with the homeless or just people in general because you may think of yourself as a patient person, but you never really know how patient you are and good you are with people when you have to deal with people who may not be as privileged as you are.  And you have to bite your tongue and you have to take yourself out of the equation. 

    And I think as you do things like that you build up empathy and interpersonal skills that all transfers over when you are talking to candidates.  You won’t see them so much as numbers or resumes, you’ll see them as real people. And that will help you build bonds with candidates that will help you get more referrals from candidates, which will help you find people that don’t necessarily want to be found. 

    He’s saying to do something that doesn’t seem connected to our job which actually leads to better job performance and results. I totally agree with Jim although I don’t think I’ve ever even thought to give this simple advice to anyone looking to improve their interpersonal skills. 

    So, if you want to improve at the skill everyone seems to need, but the world seems to be wired to cultivate less of, sign up to volunteer at regular intervals where interaction with others, especially people who are less fortunate than you are, is required. 

    Employers would be wise to incentivize and support this type of effort in their workforce as well. 

     

    Where are you volunteering today?

  • 4 Ways to Abide in Order to Learn

    4 Ways to Abide in Order to Learn

    Note: This is the second of a two-part post on the value of abiding in patience in order to achieve the best kind of learning. The previous post focuses on the value of this practice, whereas this post focuses on how to actually do it. 

    As leaders, we are often called to help others learn.  To grow people in ways that lead to positive outcomes for themselves and for those they impact is our job. Leaders make more leaders. 

    And this need to facilitate learning is sometimes hard to figure out how to do because we often have a hard time engaging in it ourselves.  This challenge is often exasperated by the need to check the box of learning. Get it done, now you’ve learned. Check. 

    But learning, or continuous learning, that actually leads to the best of results isn’t a check the box kind of thing. It isn’t a one and done activity.  

    Once the desire or realization of the need to learn is established, some seemingly counter-intuitive things help our learning and are more often fueled through abiding in a patient process: 

     

    1. First, set right expectations. 

    I found this question from In His Image telling of this necessity: “Think of the person that is most likely to try your patience. What wrong expectations might be contributing to your lack of patience with him or her?”

    When we are trying to help ourselves or others learn, often our lack of patience sets us up for failure due to unrealistic expectations about the time and commitment needed in order to effectively learn.   

    When leading yourself or others in learning, discuss the expectations of time and commitment around that learning before beginning.  Write these down and refer back to them throughout the learning process. 

    If you’ve read the previous post connected to this one, for example when reading with my son we establish before we start how much we are going to read (usually a chapter). He then goes and looks at the table of contents in the book to see how many pages there are.  He knows we won’t get up until that chapter is completed, lessening his frustration with unknown and or unclear expectations.

     

    2. Establish routine practice of something that is novel, or you aren’t good at.

    Setting up a routine to do something that needs to be learned by doing something hard (you don’t know how to do or you aren’t good at doing) can aid in learning not only in your chosen arena but in others.   

    In keeping with my running example, this leads to my son alternating between reading something that is on the level he is reading currently (or even something slightly easier) and reading something that is above his reading level.  The challenge frustrates him, but novel vocabulary helps him in the long run. In addition, he is also charged with writing about the story he reads and using words (even if he misspells them). Writing is not yet easy or routine for him but helps his learning. 

     

    3. Do something that exercises another part of your brain different from where you are actually trying to learn. 

    In general, the left side of the brain controls things that deal with logic and order.  Math and science processing, as well as language processing, take place on this side of the brain, but in different places within the left hemisphere. The right side of the brain controls things that have to do with creativity, emotion and artistic expression.  

    Before or after doing an activity that taxes the left side of the brain, some research points to exercising the right side of the brain in some way in order to sensitize that learning, process any emotion that comes with it, and use it in a more holistic way. 

    My son draws pictures a lot (we are currently on a kick of drawing houses) and he has started to label the picture with words to indicate things that are in the picture.  Like “roof”, “slide” (yes his houses have slides coming out of them), etc. I believe this helps him encode and use language learning. In addition, he rides his bike to and from his reading teachers house in the summer for reading lessons, and I think this act of movement helps him focus on his lessons better. 

     

    4. Do “nothing”. 

    I love this Winnie the Pooh quote: “Doing nothing often leads to the very best of something.”  

    When we give our brain time to rest and reflect it leads to optimal synthesis of our learning.  

    Getting enough sleep is a major part of this. Our brain forms neural connections while we sleep based on what we learned during the day so we can apply in other ways.  As our son’s neurologist explained to us in simple terms, if you learn the sounds in “cat” yesterday, your sleep helps you process that learning and today you wake up and are better able to connect that the same short “a” sound in cat is also the same in “bat”.  

    If we don’t rest and reflect, we can’t maximize the benefits of learning efforts. 

     

    How do you best maximize your learning? 

  • Productivity from Patience

    Productivity from Patience

    Note: This is the first of a two-part post on the value of abiding in patience in order to achieve the best kind of learning. The value is described here, whereas how to do it is contained in the second post here. 

    Patience is not one of my virtues. And oftentimes, the world reinforces what seems to be the need for it not to be. Get it done and get it done fast so you can get more done is often the mantra whether we consciously or unconsciously preach this to ourselves or hear it from others.  And we are often rewarded for that “productivity”.

    As Nathan Foster states in his book, The Making of an Ordinary Saint, when discussing the discipline of study, “I just couldn’t seem to escape the obsession with being productive.  I’m always trying to get more done quicker, and when I can’t clearly see my progress, I get irritated. Feeding my driven angst is my compliance to the sin of comparison and its subtle, destructive fruit, competition.” 

    You nailed me, Nathan. And I see myself passing this on to my children. 

    As I wait, somewhat impatiently, for the arrival of our third child, who we all thought would make a quick and early appearance, I’ve had a month of reminders about the value and grace that comes in the form of waiting. Or as Jen Wilkins describes in her book In His Image,  “Patience is not just the ability to wait, but to abide.” I have spent July trying to abide. 

    Most of these reminders have come from abiding in reading daily with my son.  My husband and I have passed the “sin” of competitiveness onto him through both nature and nurture.  His need to get things done and get them done quickly encompasses just about every behavior in his life.  Everything is a competition. And when he can’t “win” he gets frustrated and reacts in ways that try everyone’s patience, including his own.  And his frustration spills into a lack of confidence in reading that spills into other areas with a lack of confidence. 

    His challenges with reading are magnified through epilepsy that impacts the language center of his brain.  Nature gives him a double whammy where “abiding” in the process of reading, and many other things for that matter, are just plain hard.  

    So we fight our urges, both his and mine, by reminding ourselves before we start reading each morning that 1) we are going to take our time and that 2) we are not going to get frustrated.  

    Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn’t.  But as Foster says in his book about journeying from frustration to joy, “Yet grace understands my humanness. Grace gives me space to keep going, appreciate the process, and accept what I lack.” 

    And giving ourselves and others grace often leads to meaningful learning.  As Foster says, learning is a process in which the divine is acutely evident: “It was so easy to bring God into learning. I felt his delight in showing me how things work. His love for creativity was immensely evident.” 

    By taking time off to do what I thought was have a baby, I’ve gotten the opportunity to abide in a routine of daily morning reading that has lasted almost of a month out on our back porch with my children.  It has been a blessing and process which has revealed how valuable patiently abiding in practice at a pace that is unrushed and uncompetitive leads to results that often doesn’t actually come from actively focusing on being “productive”. 

    My son’s reading has improved over the summer, and we are still working on abiding in the process of learning in a way that doesn’t lead to frustration.  It is something we will always be working on: learning in the traditional sense and in the sense that abiding in learning makes us more self-aware and better human beings. It makes us the best kind of learners, lifelong ones.

    As Wilkin’s says, “We may overlook the possibility that the waiting itself could be the good and perfect gift, delivered right to our doorstep.”*

    Where do you need to abide in order to learn through patiently waiting today?

     

    *My good and perfect gift came in the form of time with our two children before the good and perfect gift of their baby brother arrived the day after I wrote the blog post.  We joyfully welcomed Graham Samuel Ward into our family on August 7, 2019.